After the unibrain freeze subsided, the unibrain set its collective mind to solving the unibrain teaser it had been hired to solve by the eccentric thousandaire, Hudson S. McMacMulligan, who had vowed to spend his last thousand dollars trying to solve a paradox that had come to him, he believed, in a dream: Can God bake a cake so big that he cannot eat it? Unbeknownst to McMacMulligan, this was not a novel paradox. It was essentially a reformulation of a classic paradox of omnipotence known as the paradox of the stone: Can an omnipotent being create a stone so heavy that that omnipotent being cannot lift it?
Oct 7, 2012
Oct 6, 2012
Oct 5, 2012
#46 Unibrain freeze
Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia, or brain freeze, as experienced by a collective mind.
It was a hot summer day and the unibrain, an extremely brainy brain trust hired by an eccentric thousandaire to work on a top secret project, emerged from its windowless office to find refreshment. And, find refreshment it did as it strode single file in synchrony toward a nearby 7-11. The unibrain was so thirsty that each brain within the unibrain simultaneously sipped an entire 78-oz Super Sour Watermelon Slurpee in a single sip from a single straw that septafurcated after the bendy part into seven separate but connected mini straws. The result was, inevitably, unibrain freeze.
It was a hot summer day and the unibrain, an extremely brainy brain trust hired by an eccentric thousandaire to work on a top secret project, emerged from its windowless office to find refreshment. And, find refreshment it did as it strode single file in synchrony toward a nearby 7-11. The unibrain was so thirsty that each brain within the unibrain simultaneously sipped an entire 78-oz Super Sour Watermelon Slurpee in a single sip from a single straw that septafurcated after the bendy part into seven separate but connected mini straws. The result was, inevitably, unibrain freeze.
Oct 4, 2012
#45 Paper Big Bird
Inverted paper tiger; an entity that appears non-threatening but effectual made to
appear threatening but ineffectual.
In the opening presidential debate of the 2012 election, the GOP presidential candidate employed a novel rhetorical device—a paper Big Bird—to demonstrate how serious he was about reducing the federal deficit. The candidate vowed to stop borrowing money from China to subsidize the exploits of the admittedly lovable Muppet moocher, Big Bird, and his parent network, PBS, which leaches 0.12% of the federal budget annually.
In the opening presidential debate of the 2012 election, the GOP presidential candidate employed a novel rhetorical device—a paper Big Bird—to demonstrate how serious he was about reducing the federal deficit. The candidate vowed to stop borrowing money from China to subsidize the exploits of the admittedly lovable Muppet moocher, Big Bird, and his parent network, PBS, which leaches 0.12% of the federal budget annually.
Oct 3, 2012
#44 Findosaur
A newly discovered, or found, dinosaur species.
An overdue scientific report on the world's latest findosaur, Pegomastax africanus, was recently published after its fossil remains, which were filed away in a specimen drawer at Harvard for decades, were returned to South Africa for further analysis.
Oct 2, 2012
#43 Marmetiquette
Formal rules of conduct to be adhered to in the presence of polite marmot society.
The reasons why Raymond was shunned from a colony of wild yellow-bellied marmots in Yosemite National Park were obvious to the professional wildlife photographer and casual observer alike. He simply did not follow marmetiquette. Instead of sleeping below ground with the colony, he slept above ground, alone, in a Toyota Tercel. Instead of eating grasses, insects, and the occasional bird egg, he ate Twinkies, Hot Pockets, and Pringles. Instead of whistling to warn others of predators, he played a Huey Lewis and the News cassette tape from his car stereo when he saw a pack of coyotes approaching.
Root = Marmot + etiquette
The reasons why Raymond was shunned from a colony of wild yellow-bellied marmots in Yosemite National Park were obvious to the professional wildlife photographer and casual observer alike. He simply did not follow marmetiquette. Instead of sleeping below ground with the colony, he slept above ground, alone, in a Toyota Tercel. Instead of eating grasses, insects, and the occasional bird egg, he ate Twinkies, Hot Pockets, and Pringles. Instead of whistling to warn others of predators, he played a Huey Lewis and the News cassette tape from his car stereo when he saw a pack of coyotes approaching.
Root = Marmot + etiquette
Oct 1, 2012
#42 Take a 7
To rest after a prolonged period of productivity.
Soil amended and seeds sown. Check. Crops harvested, canned, pickled, and preserved. Check. Grain silo erected and surpluses stockpiled. Check. Chicken coops built. Check. Livestock and beasts of burden bred and reared. Check. Rain barrels connected to water filtration and purification system. Check. Solar panels attached to roof, tax credit claimed. Check. Underground bunker built. Check. Antibiotics acquired through extralegal means and placed in lock box. Check. Small arsenal of automatic and semi-automatic weapons acquired through legal means and strewn about fully loaded. Check. Shortwave radio assembled from DIY kit. Check. Moat dug and filled with spikes. Check.
Bert had done all he could on his little urban plot to prepare for the impending collapse of advanced industrial civilization. It was time to do as the Lord had done 6,000 years ago after toiling away on Creation for 6 days straight. It was time to take a 7 (and drink some home-brewed mead).
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